PUNCHING ABOVE THEIR WEIGHT?

Petra Ecclestone is worth millions. Not just a few millions, but lots of millions. So many that if she lost one of them it would be like one of us losing a fiver.

She’s also 22 years old and stunningly gorgeous to boot. That’s capital ‘S’ and ‘G’. Her Dad Bernie who made all the money, has just paid for her engagement party at Battersea power station. No expense was spared; Rihanna was flown in for a private concert, and the whole evening looked like the kind of party that only exists in the dreams of us mere proles.

One thing is confusing me though, and that is how, with all the organisation that must have gone into this event, did my invitation seemingly get lost in the post? No matter. I couldn’t have made it anyway, I was doing a stand up gig in a room smaller than my kitchen above a pub in Brighton. Ooh!, this glamorous business we call ‘show’!

Now I mentioned that this was an engagement party, so naturally there were copious amounts of photos in the papers of the divine Petra and her Beau. His name is Jamie Stunt. He’s 26 but looks like an out of shape 40 year old.

Frankly he looks like a pikey, and in the photo I saw he was sporting a lovely ‘Botley’ just to the right of his flies. Class. In case any of you have never read ‘The Meaning Of Liff’ by  Douglas Adams and John Lloyd, a Botley is the resulting wet patch that occurs after a gentleman has visited the lavatorial facilities, but failed to deal with a recalcitrant  ‘Wimbledon’. The book is still available and I urge you to avail yourself of a copy forthwith.  It really is very funny.
 
So the question I need answered is this: How the fuck did he do it? How did this vacant looking ‘businessman’ who isn’t even fully potty trained, manage to cop off with a 22 year old blonde goddess with a 53 million quid mansion in Chelsea and millions more in the bank? 

I’m assuming he’s also got a few bob, but with her being so rich, does that really matter to either of them? If they were flying off in a private jet for a couple of weeks skiing in Gstaad, would she ask him for a cheque for half before they left? If they’re out for dinner in Quaglino’s, would she insist they ‘go Dutch’? I doubt it.

Did he have a moment of epiphany one day, and looked in the mirror and thought. “Yeah, I’m a greasy, overweight ugly fucker who pisses his pants, so I’m gonna go and pull myself a piece of top notch 22 year old stunning blonde billionaire pussy, and then get her to marry me!!!”  How ever it happened, it happened. Maybe they should call him ‘Jammy Jamie’, but I’d just call him a Jamie Stunt!

Another guest at the bash was Tamara Beckwith. Ok, she’s got no tits, and she’s not in Petra’s league but she’s still pretty fit. And of course stinking rich to boot. She was also in the papers posing with her man. His name’s Giorgio Veroni, and he looks like a greasy south London second hand car dealer. He was wearing the worst ill fitting suit imaginable, with a badly knotted tie, [single Windsor knot, which always looks one sided and therefore shit. Learn to tie a double Windsor for goodness sake it’s not Quantum Physics man!] and a pocket handkerchief which didn’t match said tie!

Again I need to know, how do they do it? The worse thing about looking at the pictures of these two Jammie Dodgers was that neither of them were smiling! I need a lie down. “Nurse, the screens!!!”

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LEVEL PLAYING FIELD?

Emdadur Choudhury is a Muslim. He hates us. He hates everything about us. He hates our country, everything. He hates us and our country with such  passion and such venom that he bangs on about it all day long. Every day. He can do this because he doesn’t work. Truth is he doesn’t need to work because us taxpayers give him eight hundred quid a month to live on. That’s how much he hates us. He has to take our stinking filthy western money just so he can spread his words of hate to all and sundry as and when he likes.

On November 11th last year Mr Choudhury decided to make his point even clearer by burning a huge poppy at the Remembrance Day march at the Cenotaph. Words can’t really describe my feelings towards this act. Suffice to say if I was in charge he would have been taken to a very dark place and had second world war documentaries [British ones obviously!] played to him constantly until none were left for him to see. Then I would have had him taken outside and shot. Simples. Sadly that didn’t happen.
He was fined fifty pounds.

He emerged from the court surrounded by a gaggle of supporting Neanderthals with a big smile on his face. Well you would wouldn’t you? He knows the plot, don’t worry about that! As he raced away he shouted something like “It’s just like getting a parking ticket”. 
 
Andrew Ryan is, with all respect due,  an ordinary bloke. He’s not a chav, he doesn’t hang round in a gang dealing drugs and stabbing people. He’s an ex soldier in fact.

He also has a soul, and feelings. He hasn’t sponged off our country; in fact he put himself in harm’s way protecting it, and us.  Mr Ryan was a bit upset about the poppy burning incident, and as time went on he got more and more upset until one day he snapped. He didn’t grab a shotgun and go on a mad rampage round Luton shooting men with beards wearing dresses. He stole a copy of the Koran [well you wouldn’t buy one would you?] from his local library, went out into the street and set fire to it. The Koran that is, not the street!

The Police ‘service’ got involved, along with the Muslim Defence League, otherwise known as the Crown Prosecution Service,  and Mr Ryan was hauled off to court. He was charged with the usual ‘inciting racial hatred’ nonsense, and  of course he was found guilty.
He was sent to prison for 70 days.
 
What was that about a ‘level playing field’?
 

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HELLO OLD BILL, GOT A NEW MOTOR?

Hot on the heels of news in my area that the Police ‘Service’ are going to have to make serious budget cuts in order to balance the books, imagine my surprise when I noticed some new additions to the local Police station car park.

First up was a lovely brand new Range Rover, about sixty odd grand’s worth. Parked alongside it were two BMW 3 series estate cars, again brand new out of the box. How is this allowed to happen?

Why are we, as taxpayers, not consulted on these kind of issues? After all we’re paying for all this. Is it really necessary for the police to have access to the most expensive vehicles possible? There are plenty of 4X4’s out there at half the price of a Range Rover, and plenty of estate cars way cheaper than a BMW.

Perhaps I’m being churlish; maybe they really do need these high powered top of the range motors to make sure they’re ready for anything in the fight against lawlessness. The best tools for the job are needed etc etc.. Fair enough.

So, imagine my reaction two days later when I noticed the Range Rover and one of the Beemers parked up on a suburban road, with three officers in attendance. Was this a major criminal gang being cornered? Had they received a tip-off that Mr Big and his cronies were holed up in an anonymous third floor flat planning a major bank heist?   

Er, no. Two cops were sitting in the Range Rover, checking out the upgraded stereo system and DVD player, whilst the third busied himself with a hand held speed gun!

They’ve been there every day for 5 days now. Well I suppose those motors have to be paid for somehow. Do the people who make these decisions have no idea how this looks to the public? Of course they do, but they know there’s nothing we can do about it, and of course in the final analysis they really couldn’t care less.    

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SAME GAME, DIFFERENT RULES

During a recent interview I was brought to task by a fellow guest. I had suggested that our rancid justice system was, in certain cases, biased against white people.

I reasoned  that because our ‘government’ is so anaemic  and puny, they were actively encouraging our legal system to ‘go easy’ on our lovely fundamentalist Muslim friends lest we should upset them. And we mustn’t do that because then they might hurt us, and we don’t like that because it’s not nice, and we’re too weak-willed and feeble to do anything about it.

The subject had come up because I’d been talking about the recent case of a  Muslim paedophile gang who had been plying young white girls with drugs before doing the most unspeakable things to them. These peace loving devoutly religious scum then passed the girls to their mates for some good old fashioned fundamentalist Muslim fun.

The activities of these low lives duly came to the attention of the local Plod. Plod investigated, but when it became clear that it was a Muslim gang, the shutters came down, e-mails were deleted, diversity courses were attended, and finally the powers that be gave the order to turn a blind eye and let the scumbags carry on with their revolting activities. Well, better a few underage white girls being abused , gang raped and forced on to drugs than another bomb on the underground eh?

I merely pointed out that if the gang had been a bunch of white paedophile scumbags, the authorities may well have acted differently. This Muslim gang have now been jailed, not for long enough obviously, but that was only because the whole sorry saga was uncovered by a reporter, whose name sadly escapes me, but well done that man or woman.

I was of course shouted down, accused of being a racist, told that I was being ridiculous etc etc. The legal system in this country I was reliably informed is a ‘level playing field’.  Whew!  That’s  a relief!  I must have got it all wrong  because my fellow guest was quite adamant.
 

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THE LIFE OF BRIAN

Brian Haw, the well meaning but sadly deluded ‘peace protester’ who has been living in a tent just opposite the Palace of Westminster has been served with notice to quit his pitch in time for the Big Fat Royal Wedding.

This sorry saga has been dragging on for about 10 years if memory serves, ever since Mr Haw first arrived.  Westminster council has spent hundreds of thousands of pounds of our money trying to get rid of this misguided fool, but all to no avail.

Until now. Or not. Apparently the grassy bit of Parliament Square comes under a different authority to that of the pavement surrounding said grassy bit, so all ‘Lord Haw Haw’ has to do is move his bivouac a couple of feet on to the grass, or the pavement, whichever way round the current arrangement is! So that all went well then! But, here’s the thing; When the authorities went to serve Mr Haw the eviction notice, he wasn’t there, and as it turns out hasn’t been there for some considerable time.  Some bizarre looking creature that we are told is a woman was there in his place, one of his co-protesters we are led to believe. So where was Mr Haw? Surely if you’re painting yourself as some new age warrior fighting a lone battle against the evils of world leaders, and your dedication to this cause is such that you give up the last ten years to protest in a tent, in all weathers, outside Parliament, surely you would be expected to be there pretty much most of the time.

Well it turns out there’s a very good reason why he’s not there, and at this point I want to make absolutely clear that I’m not in any way being uncharitable or indeed vituperative. Mr Haw is currently in Germany having treatment for lung cancer. And the thing is this: I’m not aware of anyone who has survived lung cancer. Certainly not in a way that means you could continue living in a tent on a pavement. The sad reality is that Mr Haw is not long for this world, so why are the authorities spending all this money trying to get shot of someone who will in all probability be dead before the dispute is brought to any meaningful conclusion. I would suspect that he might not even be well enough to make it back from Germany after his treatment.  Whatever happens, as this saga rolls on, nothing good will ever come of it on both sides.
 
Just a quick Royal Wedding update: Is it just me or has no-one else noticed the rather peculiar timing of Will’s and Kate’s nuptials? They’re getting married on the same day as Hitler and Eva Braun! Out of all the other days in the year they could have chosen!! Only in England!!!!

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A RIGHT ROYAL SNOOZEFEST

There were shock waves across the Nation this week as various polls inform us that most people couldn’t give a flying toss about the upcoming nuptials of Wills and Kate.

As usual the great and the good have got it completely wrong and misjudged the mood of the Country completely. The planned street parties across vast swathes of Britain have not materialised because no-one talks to their neighbours any more for fear of getting stabbed, or being set upon by a rabid pit bull, and anyway no-one’s got any money to pay for the sarnies. Also there are fears that burglars will take advantage of everyone being out of their houses drinking cheap cider all day, and the ‘Elf and Safety’ Nazis are doing their level best to scupper the plans of the few diehard individuals who do want to fill Hawthorn Close with pasting tables and mismatched garden furniture.  

Hardly the spirit of VE Day is it? They thought this event would lift our spirits in these dark and difficult times. Right. Seeing millions of pounds squandered on two wealthy, privileged individuals who will spend the rest of their lives in unbridled luxury at our expense does not lift my spirits. Just thought I’d mention it.
 

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NAUGHTY BARONESS

Baroness Uddin stole 125 thousand pounds from the British taxpayer. She’s refusing to pay it back, claiming, against all the evidence available, that she’s done nothing wrong. She knows of course that if she can hang on, hold firm in her assertions, it will all go away. The longer the story drags on the sooner the claim will come that she’s being ‘racially victimised’ and the whole sorry saga will be forgotten about.

This cheap benefit fraudster was the first Muslim woman to make it into the House of Lords. All her supporters have been leaping to her defence saying stuff like “She’s made it against all the odds, despite being a Muslim she’s clawed her way to high office against the prejudice and inherent racism blah…  blah…  bullshit  bullshit”

Now let’s get one thing straight. Baroness Uddin is where she is because she’s a Muslim not in spite of it. She’s what used to be called a ‘Token’. She’s been stuck in there to show how ‘diverse’ and ‘multi-cultural’ we are. Nothing more, nothing less. She should be in jail but that will never happen of course. She should be giving thanks to Allah that he’s got her out of this one. Praise the Lord and pass the Koran!

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VIVE LA FRANCE!!

We have a long tradition of taking the piss out of the French. We’re still allowed to because they’re seen as  predominately ‘white’ rather than ‘ethnic’. So that’s ok then. This week however the French have showed a bit of backbone. They’ve banned the Burkha, and all other clothing designed to hide the identity of the wearer.

Apparently the reason these women are forced to dress up in what looks like a cheap Darth Vader fancy dress costume is so that other men can’t see the beauty of the woman lurking underneath, and as a result be consumed with a lust that they will be unable to control! Yeah right! Have you seen the state of the Muslim women who just wear the headscarf so their face is clearly visible? Exactly. Who knows what the women who cover their whole body look like but I seriously doubt they look like Tazeen Ahmad off of Channel 4!

So in a way the French are going that extra mile; not only are they standing up for themselves politically whilst the rest of the world, like some fey nerdy ginger kid at school, hides in the cupboard with a note pinned on the door saying: “Dear Muslims, you can have whatever you want but please don’t hurt us”. But they’ve also shown they would be willing to accept the sight of these women on the streets of Paris, with their faces uncovered.  Sacre Bleu!! That shows commitment I think we’d all agree!

Of course the lentil eating, yogurt knitting mob have virtually exploded with rage at this ‘racist’ action by Monsiuer Sarkosy and his Parliament. How long the ban will continue is anyone’s guess, and it wouldn’t surprise me if the ruling is overturned by some faceless unelected ‘court’ run by the EU. I suspect, if asked, the vast majority of the population of Britain would welcome a similar ban here, but of course we never will get asked. This is the sort of question that should be subject to a referendum, along with whether we should leave the EU, criminal sentencing policy, and a myriad of other topics. They won’t give us the chance to vote on these important issues of course because they’re pretty sure that they won’t get the answer they want!

We have got a referendum coming up though, but  unfortunately  it’s about something no-one gives a toss about, including the politicians. If they did care about the outcome they wouldn’t be giving us a referendum on it! Nobody cares about which type of voting system we have. It matters not who, or how MP’s get elected. With the unique exception of Dennis Skinner they’re all as bad as each other, and we now have the cast iron evidence before us that they’re all just in it for what they can get for themselves. All they want to do is make as much money as possible, do as little work as they can get away with, and acquire some powerful friends so they’ve got a nice little earner when they leave Westminster. This AV farce of a referendum is going to cost about two hundred million quid to organise. Money well spent? What a joke.   
 

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‘THE ICE MAIDEN COMETH’

It’s back! The best show on TV bar none. I’m talking of course about Channel Five’s ‘Ice Road Truckers’. Facing serious injury or death for what seems like most of their waking hours, these modern day stagecoach drivers just get on with it in the most astonishing way. ‘Laid back’ doesn’t even come close to how they live their lives. Driving 40 tonne trucks on sheet ice with snowstorms raging all around them for hour after hour, trucking through the wilderness of Alaska. It is truly unbelievable to watch. And there, nestling in the middle of this most macho of worlds is Lisa Kelly. If there is a God, then Lisa Kelly is his finest piece of work. I’ll say no more. Just watch it, and if you are not totally captivated by this delightful creature then you have a heart of stone. Rumour has it that she’s turned down two million to pose for Playboy because she doesn’t want anyone but her husband Travis to see her naked. Two Million!!! What a woman. Watch her and fall hopelessly in love!!

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‘WIMMIN’S DAY’

So International Women’s day come and went, but I’m not sure anyone noticed. As usual they kept banging on about equality, with Oberleutnant Annie Lennox leading the charge. I was waiting for them to announce that they’d be campaigning for the right to retire at the same age as men, rather than five years earlier. I was waiting for them to say how they want the law changed so that the accuser and the accused in rape trials were both named in the press. I was waiting for them to demand that they should no longer get free entrance to nightclubs. I was waiting for them to demand an end to women only shortlists for certain jobs. I was waiting for them to demand an end to women only health clubs. I’m still waiting.

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